Editor鈥檚 Note: This is the third article in a three-part series that explores modern dating in the District from 蜜桃视频app鈥檚 Rob Woodfork.听Catch up and read the first article on 聽and the second on .听
WASHINGTON 鈥� By now, you鈥檝e mastered . You also have a few to take your date(s).
Now comes the hard part: actually keeping that special person in your life for the long haul.
As a divorced guy, I can certainly tell you all the things not to do, but I figure you鈥檇 rather get your relationship advice from someone actually trained to help answer one of life鈥檚 biggest and most complicated questions.
Enter , a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach. She’s here to tell you that time and space are two highly important factors in finding what you鈥檙e looking for.
Obviously, you want to avoid being clingy and making the person you鈥檙e dating the center of your life. But Dack says you also don鈥檛 want to rush things.
鈥淵ou want to make sure you鈥檙e going at an appropriate pace,鈥� she said.
That鈥檚 one of the first things she said, and 鈥渟low it down鈥� was one of the last.
“You want to make sure it鈥檚 happening organically, but you鈥檙e also not so scared you鈥檙e putting your guard up,” she added.听
Part of the organic approach means letting go of unwritten (and outdated) rules, such as waiting three days before calling someone you just met. Dack said playing games doesn’t work.
鈥淚t might work temporarily because you鈥檙e keeping the person interested by being a mystery, but if we鈥檙e talking about relationship health, that is not the way to go at all,” Dack said.听
Of course, we鈥檝e all seen such gamesmanship here in the District. Yes, dating in D.C. has a bad rap, but Dack doesn鈥檛 necessarily buy the notion that we have it worse here than anywhere else in the nation.
鈥淚 think in big cities you kind of get that vibe,鈥� she said. 鈥淲ith online dating there鈥檚 just so many more options than ever before so I think sometimes people aren鈥檛 giving each other enough chances.鈥�
Does that mean online dating is a bad way to meet people? Not at all. According to Dack, it’s just one place for introduction.听
“What鈥檚 most important is taking it away from [the place of introduction] and really dating. What matters is being really open, being available, making sure anything in your past is not affecting your ability to be present now, and making sure you鈥檙e going on great dates and continuing to build on whatever date you had before,” she added.听
But what if you鈥檙e not having great dates? The key to not getting completely frustrated is keeping your expectations realistic.
“It鈥檚 not supposed to be perfect. If you have realistic expectations, you know dating is going to be a roller coaster. It takes a lot of effort, and knowing that is really important because then you鈥檙e not going to take it personally when you have bad dates. Everybody has bad dates. That鈥檚 OK,鈥� Dack said.听
One of dating鈥檚 great pitfalls is deciphering between a bad date with a good person and just flat out making a bad choice of person. If you feel like you鈥檙e prone to the latter, Dack said introspection is the key.
鈥淪pend time really understanding your patterns and getting to know yourself better and making sure you鈥檙e really self-aware so that you have a sense of why you鈥檙e repeating patterns 鈥� so that you can make healthier choices in the present and future.听You can heal those old wounds, but the first step is getting to know yourself,” she said.
The second key point is to make sure you’re healthy so you attract a healthy partner.
“You have to be confident and feel good about yourself to feel that you deserve a great partner too, or you鈥檙e going to tolerate a lot of unhealthy stuff,” Dack said.听
Naturally, humans approach every relationship from their own perspective, but paradoxically, a little empathy can help shake off being viewed as someone else鈥檚 鈥渂ad date.鈥� This approach will also keep your own confidence intact.
鈥淜now what you deserve,鈥� Dack said. “Know that everybody鈥檚 out there dealing with their own stuff. You are going to be rejected 鈥� that鈥檚 part of dating. Most of the time, it鈥檚 really not personal to you.鈥�
Another way to avoid bad dates is to not put yourself in a bad position to begin with. Dack said introverts and busy professionals should plan dates on days and times when you鈥檙e at your best.
鈥淢ake sure you鈥檙e taking care of yourself at all times. If you know that dating makes you anxious or you鈥檙e more introverted, make sure you鈥檙e scheduling it in a way that works for you. Make sure you鈥檙e balancing putting yourself out there and being open but not giving up on your whole life. It鈥檚 more about integrating this person into your life.鈥�
Does that sound like a lot? Maybe 鈥� but it鈥檚 really not. What this all comes down to is being a healthy individual in your own right, and then 鈥� and only then 鈥� adding a companion to share in your already awesome life.
If your world doesn鈥檛 revolve around the person you鈥檙e dating, chances are you鈥檙e doing it right.
And if you already have an awesome life and feel like the search for that special someone isn鈥檛 going well, maybe stop searching for awhile. I can personally testify that some of the best and most important relationships of my life began when I wasn鈥檛 actively on the hunt.
So never let frustration linger, and keep your head up.
鈥淚鈥檓 hopeful and there are tons of great, single people out there, and I think having a positive attitude about it is essential,鈥� Dack said.
鈥淵ou don鈥檛 have to play games; there are many people out there who won鈥檛 [play games].鈥�
